Three Great Crafty Questions

I wrote, well, finished, this article today.

These three questions will improve communication, especially when there is a power differential in a supervisory, managerial, mentoring, teaching, or counselling context. ‘Facilitator’ and ‘Learner’ represent the relationship and, hopefully, the intent or attitude behind the interpersonal transactions.

This approach might have a more specific application in formal contexts, supervision or counselling, but the general principle and specific frameworks can be modified for casual and informal discussion or meetings. They are not only of immense help in improving communication between two people, but also in groups of almost any size – team meetings, for example, decision making forums, or focus groups. They can also help to prevent or resolve misunderstandings, tension, conflict and so-called ‘personality clashes’, which are usually power-plays fuelled by rebellious or resentful Child ego-state dynamics!

Inevitably, some power holders are not much interested in facilitation. Low self-confidence, poor communication skills might mean that, instead of facilitating other people’s development, they diminish people’s confidence by blustering or bullying or power-playing. These power-plays and so-called personality clashes deplete time, money, energy and morale.

The process of inquiry suggested here can reduce the likelihood or effects of these clashes. One caveat: some power-players will not learn from any amount of training because their emotional and psychological distress is profound. Without counselling, therapy of some other form of healing process, their inner turmoil will manifest in all their dealings with others!

I want to emphasise the importance of intent! A mutual belief in other people’s positive intent can compensate for inadvertent misunderstandings. Different communication and learning styles or differences of culture, experience, education or other variables can easily lead to misunderstandings.

If that happens, it is easier to regain equilibrium because awareness of mutual positive intent, can act like a beacon that realigns our focus and refocuses our attention.
Most Learners respond – as opposed to react – better to managers, bosses, teachers, and other Facilitators who show patience, respect and consideration. Resistance in one person often indicates a lack of flexibility or empathy in another. Having the wisdom and humility to look to our own communication style will serve us well.

The three questions can be used to help (re)build confidence and self-esteem. Facilitators can determine the Learner’s levels of competence and ascertain whether, for example, it would be appropriate to delegate.

The questions are also an excellent framework if, say, a person, or a team has completely messed up and the Facilitator wants to raise morale by lifting people out of any depression.
My point is not so much asking the questions, but with creating a process of benign exploration, so the answers are developed. Questions that are focused and incisive can elegantly elicit high value information!

The first question “What do you like or appreciate about what you contributed to the whole process?” starts to explore historical positives and to rebuild confidence. If re-motivated, people and projects can move on. All parties can recognise that, despite any errors or failure, the transgressors had positive intent, and devoted time, energy and commitment. Open acknowledgement of each person’s contribution helps determine organisational, team and individual ethos.

The second question “What might you differently in the future?” directs attention toward the future. Compare that with “What should you have done differently?” which directs attention into an immutable past. It also implies that the person will have learnt something from any mistakes and errors of judgment. The question, and the positive intent of the process, also conveys the message that ‘failure’ is not a mortal sin, merely a human probability. The word ‘should’ can trigger an enervating and disheartening ‘adapted child’ response, especially if asked by an authority figure with poor communication, listening, questioning or motivating skills.

“What would you like from me?” From the answers to the third question, the Facilitator potentially gleans some high value information about the Learner’s readiness to listen, to learn, to ask for or accept support. The answer can also give clues to the Learner’s Emotional Intelligence, including awareness of hir own competency: Unconscious Incompetence, Conscious Incompetence, Conscious Competence, or Unconscious Competence.

Good Facilitators help people get closer to their goals, and by modelling good listening and exquisite questioning skills they help them to recognise limiting beliefs and bedrock assumptions that might keep them running on habit.