Things to bear in mind

• If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
• Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I don't know the origins of this, but whoever wrote these, thank you so very much! ;-)